Cover Letters Are Hard

Last week I applied for a position at BOOM! Studios. Here is my cover letter:

Dear F K,

Five months ago I moved to Los Angeles to pursue writing for comics/cartoons. It must be my Sagittarius good fortune, then, that not one hour after leaving my job selling T-Mobile plans (a profession with all the creativity and warmth of a North Korean glue factory), I stumbled upon your ad for the open assistant position.

Not only has my six-year-old love for comics continued well into my adult life, I have several years experience with database management, document design, and working with teams in project management. However, seeing that your ad was posted nearly three weeks ago, I know that I am behind in getting my application to you. To save time, the following has been pasted from my OkCupid profile, and adjusted as necessary:

Hello, ladiiiiiiiies esteemed managers and directors of BOOM! Studios,

I am looking for someone who is both down-to-earth and passionate fast-paced work in a creative environment. I studied creative writing in school, and now spend my days drinking coffee and thinking about plot structure calculating how to best use my expertise in proofreading and organization to further grow BOOM! I don’t eat meat office supplies, but if you do, that’s no problem. To each their own, I always say.

I believe the best book I ever read was Kafka on the Shore, and now I want to go to Japan.  bring the same flair for creativity and ingenuity to BOOM! that Murakami incorporates in his writing. I also loved Ed Catmull’s Creativity Inc. If you’ve not read it, I will bring my copy to my interview.

I’ve never lived in a quiet mountain town, but boy do I like the idea. been late to work.

For the past few years I’ve worked in administration at charter schools, while writing my own cartoons on the side. I also read math and economics textbooks. Yes—I’m serious, and yes—I’m that guy.

But I know what you’re thinking: Why should you date hire me? For starters, I always tuck my shirts in, and trim my nose hairs refill the paper when the copy machine runs out. This is just one example of my proactive attitude. Furthermore, I make great pies use of the Google drive system, which I believe strengthens communications, collaborations, and overall team workflow.

I begin my days with Renee Montagne, Steve Inskeep, and David Greene by asking not what BOOM! can do for me, but what I can do for BOOM!. I end them with bebop and new age Pandora stations a review of my day’s performance, and a plan for my next day. If you contact my references, I am certain they will support these claims. And if I had a million dollars, I’d spend my days driving across the country and blogging about every cafe or used book store I could find. I would also buy one of those things that lets you play your phone through your car speaker, so I could finally appreciate my This American Life app to its full extent. And I believe that sometimes there’s nothing better than eating a piece of pie in the middle of the night at Mels Diner, and contemplating the life and the universe, and wondering what the next cool Lego set will be.

I love peaches updating spreadsheets.

I loathe Donald Trump.

I look forward to speaking more with you soon, and learning how I can best contribute to the growth and success of your company.

Most sincerely,

David Perlis

BOOM! Studios has yet to contact me.

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